Monday, January 25, 2010

Jeff Ryan - Lessons from a Lifetime of Lycanthropy

--Never go to the tropics. The moon pulls harder there.
--Set up a safe den. Your instincts will return you there period after period.
--Keep the den stocked with sanitary napkins. No one tests the blood in tampons.
--Spend your non-period days associating human flesh with electrical shocks. Your body will remember despite its change.
--Never shackle yourself, especially not by the hand. We’ve all seen what animals do to survive when a limb is trapped. Use a cage instead.
--Spend several evenings a month verifying your alibi. Never frequent one bar exclusively, say, since the regulars will notice when you go missing every month.
--Keep extra-large clothes around for your period days. No need to ruin your outfits.
--Need it even be said, avoid wolfsbane, silver, fennel, anise, and licorice. Remember: very few people know of licorice’s powers. Pretend you simply dislike black licorice.
--Keep attending meetings. Support groups are the first Monday after the gibbous moon.
--Women: keep your hair above the shoulder. Men: same thing, and no facial hair either. The more hair you have before your period, the easier you’ll be to recognize during it.
--Give yourself plenty of lavatory time the first few days after your period. Your diet has changed during these days, and your insides aren’t used to passing bones or jewelry.
--Tell only close friends and family about your periods. Give them plenty of licorice before a period. Don’t assume since you love them, they’ll be safe.
--Be sure to test yourself every six months for STDs. During your period you’ll do more than kill and eat.
--Never give up. With the proper care and guidance, lycanthropes are living longer and more fulfilling lives than ever before.

No comments:

Post a Comment